Closest to Heaven
by Romy Katherine
Summary: AU What if Owen hadn't been the one to die in 'Reset' and how will the team cope when they lose one of their own? GwenxOwen and IantoxOwen friendship.
1. Chapter 1

I've been writing this since before the end of series 2, but never really got round to posting it. There are 3 chapters in all, not many spoilers, except for Reset but you really should have seen it by now. The song is a Welsh hymn and I will post the lyrics once the story's finished. 'T' Rated for language mostly. Thankyou to GossipGirl17 for Beta-ing for me.

Disclaimer: I don't own Torchwood, it belongs to Russell and the BBC. God knows what would happen if I owned it.

* * *

Closest to Heaven

"Dad?" Lily asked while attempting to put on mascara and talk at the same time.

"Yeah?" Owen replied absent-mindedly.

"What are you looking at?"

"What d'you mean?"

"I've been standing here for five minutes and your eyes haven't moved. What are you looking at?"

"Nothing, it's just… you look so beautiful."

"Aw thanks Dad."

"Just like… never mind." Owen said, trailing off before he got to the end of the sentence. Talking about her always brought a lump to his throat and he was in danger of crying if he carried on.

"Like Mum?" Lily finished for him.

"Yeah. Just like Mum." He swallowed, clearing the lump and suppressing the tears that threatened to spill down his cheeks.

"I wish I could have known her." Lily said quietly.

"So do I." He paused. "Anyway, you have a party to go to. Now don't drink too much, don't get in a car with anyone who's been drinking – get a taxi home and don't make a drunken fool of yourself. I don't want a repeat of last time when -"

"Dad!" Lily interrupted, jokingly slapping him on the arm. "Stop nagging, I'll be fine."

"Ok, see you later. Take care." Owen kissed her goodbye and watched as she elegantly strode down the drive, tossing her long dark hair over her shoulder like _she_ used to. Lily waved him goodbye, the silver bracelets clinking on her wrist, before climbing into the car. Owen watched as it disappeared round the corner and reluctantly closed the front door – he hated Lily being out of his sight, even if she was seventeen.

* * *

"Look at this one, god I look awful!" Gwen cringed.

"No you don't," Owen paused. "Not as bad as in this one!" He laughed as Gwen playfully slapped him round the head.

"I can't believe it's been a year already. It only seems like yesterday that I was walking down the aisle and Mum was moaning because I wasn't marrying a nice welsh boy. And then there was the incident with the champagne and the retcon. I still haven't properly forgiven Jack for that. And then 6 months later Lily came along," she yawned "and neither of us have had a proper night's sleep since." She laughed. "You know we still need to get a tree." Owen rolled his eyes at her. "What? We have to have a tree, it's Christmas!" Owen wrapped his arm around her shoulder and pulled her closer to him. He looked down at her and stared into her beautiful brown eyes. They were almost hypnotic, he was instantly drawn to them the moment he first met her. They stayed in that position for a moment or two, so close they were almost touching.

"I don't care about trees and presents, as long as I spend Christmas with you."

"Aww, so you can be romantic!" Gwen teased. Owen rested his forehead on Gwen's and was about to kiss her when the sound of a crying baby interrupted them.

"For god's sake." Owen sighed. "Will you go?"

"Me? I went last time, it's your turn." She replied indignantly.

"Isn't. I got up three times last night."

"I never heard her crying last night."

"Because you were asleep!" Owen retorted.

"Fine." Gwen surrendered. "I'll go." She broke away from him and walked into the bedroom whilst Owen smiled in triumph. He reached for the TV remote, but swore when he heard the incessant ringing of his mobile phone. He cursed again when he saw the caller ID on the screen.

"What?"

"Hello to you to."

"What d'you want Jack?"

"Funny, Tosh sounded pleased to hear from me."

"If you're trying to soften me up for something, it's not working very well." Owen replied tiredly.

"I need you to come in."

"I really hope for your sake that you're joking." Hearing the silence on the other end of the phone, he continued, "No Jack. No way. You said we had the night off. I don't care what's happened. I'm not coming in, and neither is Gwen. You can't expect us to drop everything when you say so - some of us actually have lives you know."

--

Gwen leaned down into the cot and picked up the crying child. She rubbed her back, singing the welsh lullaby that she'd been sung as a child.

"Calon lân yn llawn daioni, Tecach yw na'r lili dlos: Dim ond calon_-_" Gwen looked up and saw Owen leaning against the doorframe, smiling. "What?"

"Nothing. What's that song?"

"Calon Lân. My mum used to sing it to me when I was a baby, and her mum before that." Gwen rubbed Lily's back and turned to face Owen. "Who was on the phone?"

"Jack. He wants us to go in." Owen said guiltily.

"Well I hope you told him where to go. There's no way either of us are going in tonight. Whatever it is can wait until the morning."

"Well that's what I said, but he said it can't wait." Owen sighed. "I'll call the baby sitter. Hopefully she can get here soon."

"Jack sodding Harkness! You can tell he's never had kids." Gwen exclaimed.

"I wouldn't be surprised if he revealed otherwise one day."

* * *

It didn't take long to deal with the Mayfly and shut down the plant. The team were just packing their equipment into the SUV when Copley strode out of the building with a gun pointing at them.

"Did you really think I was just going to let you walk away? Let you destroy everything I've worked for."

"Come on professor. Don't do this; it'll only make things much worse." Gwen negotiated. "Shooting one of us won't help your situation."

"I was helping people. My research could have saved millions. And now thanks to you all those years of work have been wasted."

"You were killing people. There was no way we could leave knowing how much harm you were causing."

The bang that echoed around the shadowy car park rung in Owen's ears, and for a moment time seemed to run in slow motion. Almost immediately though, Owen rushed forward in time to catch Gwen as she fell to the floor. As if on autopilot, his medical training kicked in and he reached into his bag to get out a shot of morphine. Once he'd injected the liquid into her arm, he placed a sterile pad over the rapidly growing crimson stain on her abdomen.

"Gwen? Gwen can you hear me darlin'? Come on sweetheart talk to me. Come on, don't close your eyes. Talk to me Gwen. Gwen?" He stroked her head and silently prayed that she would be ok.

--

The voice seemed far away, as if she was underwater. She tried to sit up, but there were hands easing her back down. Gentle hands. She looked up and saw Owen looking back down at her. The pain was gradually getting worse and her eyelids were drooping.

"Owen?" She whispered.

"Hey. That's it baby, stay awake for me ok."

"Owen. Promise me something." It was getting harder and harder for her to keep her eyes from closing. Owen took hold of her hands and squeezed them tightly.

"Anything."

"Promise that you'll look after Lily for me."

"Don't talk like that. Don't you dare talk like that. You're gonna be fine, Gwen."

"Owen. You know that… I might not make it. Just please promise."

"I promise." Although he didn't want to think about it, he knew that it didn't look good, the colour was draining rapidly from Gwen's face and the blood was spreading dangerously quickly. He couldn't stop the tears anymore. They rolled uncontrollably down his cheeks as he gripped Gwen's hand. He watched as her eyes slowly began to close and her breathing became even shallower. "Gwen?" He cursed softly as he noticed her chest was no longer rising and falling. "Gwen, come on don't give up now. Gwen? Gwen!" He shook her shoulders gently, but she didn't respond. "Gwen? Come on baby don't leave me now. Gwen?" His voice was barely a whisper. He daren't believe that she was gone. He scooped her up in his arms and rocked back and forth, shaking from the sobs that racked his small frame.

* * *

He'd hardly believed it was true – everyone was carrying on around him as normal, offering their support but not making him feel any better. When it came to the funeral though, it suddenly seemed all too real.

The rain had been falling all day, and showed no sign of stopping. Typical welsh weather. He smiled slightly as he remembered when he'd moved to Cardiff and had his first experience of 'Welsh rain'. The ground was sodden beneath his feet. The raindrops cascaded down his cheeks, it was impossible to tell where the rain ended and the tears began. He was alone now so he made no effort to suppress them. He stared at the fresh grave, covered in flowers. He'd insisted on lilies because they were Gwen's favourite. His message on the bouquet was simple:

_Gwen,_

_Always in our hearts_

_Owen & Lily x_

"Owen?" Ianto stood behind him and gently placed his hand on his shoulder. "We should go."

"I can't leave her. I don't want her to be alone."

"Owen, it's freezing. You can't stay out here; you'll catch your death-" he cursed under his breath as he realised how insensitive that must have must have sounded. "Sorry."

Owen carried on as if he hadn't heard what Ianto had said. "I can't go. If I say goodbye now, then that's forever. She'll be gone… and I can't be without her."

"She's not in there Owen. That's just a shell. She's really inside you, and Lily. You wouldn't be saying goodbye, not really." Ianto comforted. "Let's get you inside."

* * *

Remember, reviews are love!


	2. Chapter 2

Only one more chapter to go! Thankyou to 'gwencooper' for reviewing and everyone who favourited and added this to your story alerts, it meant a lot. The song in this chapter is 'Iris' by Goo goo dolls, again I will post the lyrics after the last chapter is posted.

* * *

"Shit!" Owen heard the sound of smashing glass followed by Tosh swearing. "Ah, fuck."

"Y'ok Tosh?" He asked, not that he really cared.

"I'm fine, I've just… Oww!"

"What?"

"Cut my hand, I'm sure it's fine, it's just a scratch."

"Shouldn't you let a doctor decide that? Let me have a look." He walked over to Tosh's desk and winced when he saw the size of the gash in her hand. "Just a scratch? This'll need stitches." They walked to the autopsy bay and Owen began cleaning the wound.

"How are you Owen?" Tosh asked, wincing as he began stitching.

"Fine" he replied bluntly.

"You know we hardly ever seem to talk anymore."

"I've been busy."

"You know if there's anything you need, just ask."

"Everyone seems to be saying that at the moment. There you go. All done." He said as he finished stitching and began bandaging her hand.

"Thanks. You know we're just trying to help. I know it must be hard."

"Hard doesn't cover it."

"Well I understand how-"

"Really Tosh?" He interrupted. "You honestly think you know what I'm going through right now?

"Well, yes I'm –"

"You see I don't think you do. I mean, you can't possibly. My wife was killed by some heartless bastard who shouldn't have been pointing a gun at her in the first place. She died in my arms. And every night I have to go home to my daughter who has no idea why her Mummy's not here anymore," he shouted, his voice getting progressively louder, "So don't you dare sit there and tell me you know what I'm feeling." Owen got to his feet; the force of him standing sent his chair hurtling across the floor. He ran out of the autopsy room and stormed down the spiral staircase to the vaults, passing Jack and Ianto who had clearly just heard the whole conversation. He reached the cells, punching the glass wall and startling the Weevil on the other side. He sank down to the cold, concrete floor and rested his head on his knees.

"That was uncalled for." Jack said as he approached the curled figure.

"Get lost." Owen mumbled.

"We're all grieving Owen, even Tosh." Jack said as he sat down beside him.

"I've lost my wife. The one person I truly cared about. And everyone keeps telling me that they understand. But how can they?"

"They've lost someone too Owen. They're just trying to help." Jack replied softly

"It's not working." He said quietly.

"You've still got Lily. And anyway, it's nearly Christmas!"

"Why would I want to care about Christmas now Gwen's gone?" Jack sighed.

"Go home."

"No, I… I just want to work, keep my mind off things. I have to stay busy.

"Owen, I mean it. You still have a responsibility. You're all Lily has. Now go home." Owen looked reluctant, but eventually surrendered.

"Fine. Tell Tosh I'm sorry for… you know."

"I'm sure she'll understand."

"Thanks Jack."

* * *

"_Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage for their first dance as a married couple, Owen and Gwen!" _

_They both walked into the middle of the floor as everyone began to applause. While familiar tunes drifted from the music player, they placed their arms around each other._

And I'd give up forever to touch you, cause I know that you feel me somehow. You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, and I don't want to go home right now.

"_I love you." Gwen whispered as they swayed to the music._

"_Well that's a relief." Owen joked. He placed his hand on the small of her back and pulled her closer to him._

"_We won't be able to do this soon."_

"_What d'you mean?"_

"_I'll be massive." Gwen moaned._

"_You'll still be gorgeous." Owen replied, stroking her slightly swollen abdomen._

"_Don't know about you, but I'm not exactly looking forward to telling mum and dad about this."_

"_They'll be fine, you said it yourself, they wanted grandchildren."_

"_Yes but they also wanted a nice, respectable, welsh son in law."_

"_They got the nice, respectable bit."_

"_What about your parents?" Gwen asked._

"_You are joking. Haven't seen either of them since I was 16 and I have no intention of ever laying eyes on them again. They don't deserve to be grandparents." _

_Gwen leaned forward and rested her head on Owen's shoulder as couples began to drift onto the dance floor. _

And all I can taste is this moment, and all I can breathe is your life. When sooner or later it's over, I just don't wanna miss you tonight.

_Owen smiled when he saw Ianto and Jack dancing together. His gaze shifted to the corner, where Tosh was sitting alone, looking awkward._

"_May I have a dance with the bride?" Gwen's Dad asked._

"_Sure. As long as I get her back later." Owen said, and walked over to Tosh, sitting down next to her. "Not in the dancing mood?"_

"_Doesn't look like it."_

"_What's up?"_

"_Nothing." She looked at Owen, and saw that he wasn't going to drop the subject. "Well…it's just… you've all got someone special. Ianto and Jack, you and Gwen. I'm the only one who no one seems interested in." She sighed._

"_Well there's always PC Andy." Owen teased. Tosh raised her eyebrows and looked over to where Andy was trying to chat up one of the bridesmaids – he was failing miserably. "You'll find your special guy one day. There's someone out there for everyone."_

"_Everybody please make your way to the dance floor for a group photo!!" the DJ announced over the mike. Everyone started walking towards the floor, while the photographer set up the camera._

"_Have a nice chat?" Gwen asked Owen._

"_Just offering my expert advice." He replied._

"_Ok everyone, get in close, come on, be friendly! Ready, say cheese!"_

And I don't want the world to see me, 'cause I don't think that they'd understand. When everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am.

* * *

Owen leafed through the album, paying particular attention to the photos of him with Gwen on their wedding day. He smiled slightly as he remembered how happy they'd been. He raised his glass to his mouth and shuddered as the drink hit the back of his throat. Music blared out of the stereo as Lily cried. He turned the page. A photo of them standing outside the church, confetti littering their hair. Huge grins plastered onto their faces. He lifted the glass again; downing the contents. Lily's screaming got louder. Unable to bare the sound of crying any longer, he sighed heavily, walking into the bedroom.

"What's the matter, Lil? Please don't cry. Um… hush little baby, don't say a word…" he trailed off as he couldn't remember the rest of the lyrics. "Come on, give your Dad a break, please stop crying." he pleaded as his frustration rapidly turned to anger. "What do you want me to do? I can't do this - I can't be both parents. Just please stop crying for a FUCKING MINUTE!" he stormed into the living room, slamming the door on his way out. He hastily grabbed at his glass, knocking it off the counter. He swore as it smashed on the floor and reached for the bottle instead; throwing back his head and gulping down the liquid. He turned the music up even louder; drowning out the sounds of his daughter's crying.

"Owen? Owen, open the door!" Owen cursed as he heard Ianto banging on the door. He contemplated ignoring Ianto – he really wasn't in the mood for another lecture about how to take care of his family - but knew he'd be in more trouble if he did. He reluctantly walked to the door and let Ianto in.

"What's going on?" Ianto asked, walking past Owen into the living room. He immediately turned the music off and went into the bedroom. Owen shut the door and sheepishly followed him. The Welshman had Lily in his arms, rubbing her back and singing to her. "Calon lân yn llawn daioni, Tecach yw na'r lili dlos: Dim ond calon lân all ganu. Canu'r dydd a chanu'r nos." He smiled as Lily finally stopped crying and lay against him. Owen stood in the doorway.

"What was that? I've heard it somewhere before."

"It's called Calon Lân. It's a Welsh song."

"Gwen sings it." He said then corrected himself. "_Used_ to sing it." He smiled sadly. "I never knew what the hell it meant, but it sounded beautiful. Lily loved it. Always got her to sleep."

"You never sang it?"

"You've gotta be joking." Owen smirked, "I've butchered the Welsh language too many times. I can only just pronounce Croeso i Cymru!" Ianto walked closer to Owen and passed Lily too him. Owen carefully held her, but almost immediately she began grizzling. Owen looked terrified. "I can't do this," he said, passing her back to Ianto. He stepped away and shook his head.

"Stop doubting yourself." Owen walked over to the chair by the huge window in his bedroom and sat down.

"But I don't know what to do."

"What did Gwen used to do?"

"She sang to her, but I don't speak Welsh."

"You don't have to. Lily doesn't care whether you sing Pavarotti or Twinkle Twinkle Little Star; she just wants her dad to comfort her. What else did she sing?" Ianto asked, sitting down on the edge of the bed. Owen thought for a moment, before remembering.

"There was this one song, Iris. It was our first dance at our wedding." Memories of that day flooded his mind once again.

"I remember. Go on then." Owen looked at him quizzically, then began – albeit rather reluctantly – to sing.

"And I'd give up forever to touch you, 'cause I know that- what?" He stopped, noticing the look on Ianto's face.

"Nothing. Carry on."

"I feel like a complete twat!"

"I won't tell anyone." Ianto smirked.

"Cause I know that you feel me somehow. You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be and I don't wanna go home right now. And all I can taste is this moment. And all I can breathe is your life. When sooner or later it's over, I just don't wanna miss you tonight." Lily eventually stopped whimpering, and clung on to Owen's thumb, gazing up at him with her big, dark eyes.

"Well done, you're better with her than you think."

"About earlier. It's been a hard day, I just lost it. I'd never imagined it would be this difficult without her – how much I relied on her. Lily just reminds me of her so much. Her dark hair, her big eyes, every time I see her I see Gwen. I don't know if I can do this."

"You seem to be doing fine from where I'm sitting." Ianto reassured. "You might think that you're on your own, but we're all here for you. And we mean it when we say if you need anything at all you can ask."

"Thanks Yan."

"D'you want a drink of something? Tea, coffee?"

"Tea'd be great thanks." As Ianto left the room, Owen shifted Lily so she could look out of the window. "Look up there Lil. You see those stars? Well whenever you miss Mummy, just look up there and when you find the brightest star, well that's her. She's up there watching both of us, keeping us safe. You see, she might not be where you can see her, but she is there. And there's a little bit of her in you. You just have to hold on to it." She leant against Owen's chest and gurgled happily.

_And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming_

_Or the moment of truth in your lies_

_When everything feels like the movies_

_Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive_

Ianto walked back into the room and smiled as he saw them both asleep; Owen's arms wrapped protectively around his daughter. Ianto took the blanket off the end of the bed and draped it over the sleeping figures. He switched off the lamp, closed the door and walked into the living room; lying down on the sofa.

* * *

Reviews very, very welcome!


	3. Chapter 3

So here's the last chapter. I'm really sorry about how long it's taken to put this up but what with coursework and other random things that take up too much of my time, it's taken longer. Hope you've enjoyed it; please review and tell me what you thought!

* * *

Owen wandered bleary eyed into the living room with Lily resting against his shoulder. Jack, Ianto and Tosh were sitting on his sofa making paper chains.

"What are you guys doing here?" Owen asked, confused.

"It's Christmas!" said Tosh. "You can't be on your own at Christmas."

"Well to be honest, I was just planning to have a quiet day, just me and Lily."

"We brought beer!" Jack persuaded.

"Ok, you can stay." Owen surrendered, sitting down next to Tosh. "What are you doing anyway?"

"Making paper chains." Ianto explained.

"Why?"

"Well this place is hardly Christmassy, is it?" Jack explained. "I mean, where's your tree?"

"I never got round to getting one."

"Never mind. We brought presents!" Tosh exclaimed happily.

"Presents." Owen cursed. "I never even thought about it."

"Never mind, me first!" Jack shouted. He produced a small, badly wrapped present and handed it to a hesitant Owen. "Ok, so wrapping was never my strong point. Well don't just stare at it." Owen tore off the paper, revealing a small blue cuddly alien with three eyes and six legs. He sniggered.

"Is this the latest thing to come through the rift then?"

"It's for the ankle-biter." Jack explained.

"Well I didn't think it was for me." Owen passed the toy to a now awake Lily, who grabbed it and began to chew on its ear.

"My turn!" Tosh handed Owen a gift bag with a wooden frame inside. Owen reached in and took it out of the bag. It was an oriental style painting with Japanese symbols in the centre. "It's Lily's name in Japanese. If you don't like it I could-"

"It's lovely Tosh. Really. Thanks. So is Lily the only one getting any presents this year?"

"Nope." Ianto replied. "This is for you." He handed Owen a small, immaculately wrapped gift in silver paper, tied with a bow. Owen carefully unwrapped it. Inside was a Welsh phrasebook. He looked at Ianto who returned his grin with a wry smile. They both laughed out loud when they saw the questioning looks on Jack and Tosh's faces.

"Private joke."

* * *

Owen and Lily were in the attic, clearing out grimy boxes that had long since been forgotten about. Amongst the old dolls and threadbare children's toys, Lily found a small dusty Welsh phrasebook.

"What's this dad?" She asked. He smiled when he saw what she was holding. He'd not thought about that for years. And he never had learned welsh.

"Long story."

_Fin_


	4. Chapter 4

Here are the lyrics to the songs I included in my fic. I don't own these lyrics, and no copyright infringement is intended by using them.

Iris - Goo Goo Dolls

And I'd give up forever to touch you

'Cause I know that you feel me somehow

You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be

And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment

And all I can breathe is your life

and sooner or later it's over

I just don't want to miss you tonight

_And I don't want the world to see me_

_'Cause I don't think that they'd understand_

_When everything's made to be broken_

_I just want you to know who I am  
_

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming

Or the moment of truth in your lies

When everything feels like the movies

Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive

_And I don't want the world to see me_

_'Cause I don't think that they'd understand_

_When everything's made to be broken_

_I just want you to know who I am_

_And I don't want the world to see me_

_'Cause I don't think that they'd understand_

_When everything's made to be broken_

_I just want you to know who I am  
_

_And I don't want the world to see me_

_'Cause I don't think that they'd understand_

_When everything's made to be broken_

_I just want you to know who I am_

_I just want you to know who I am_

_I just want you to know who I am_

_I just want you to know who I am  
_

Calon Lan - Daniel James

Welsh Lyrics:

Nid wy'n gofyn bywyd moethus,  
Aur y byd na'i berlau mân:  
Gofyn wyf am galon hapus,  
Calon onest, calon lân.

_Calon lân yn llawn daioni,_

_Tecach yw na'r lili dlos:_

_Dim ond calon lân all ganu_

_Canu'r dydd a chanu'r nos.  
_

Pe dymunwn olud bydol,  
Hedyn buan ganddo sydd;  
Golud calon lân, rinweddol,  
Yn dwyn bythol elw fydd.

(_Chorus_)

Hwyr a bore fy nymuniad  
Gwyd i'r nef ar adain cân  
Ar i Dduw, er mwyn fy Ngheidwad,  
Roddi i mi galon lân_._

(Chorus)

English Lyrics:

I don't ask for a luxurious life,

the world's gold or its fine pearls,  
I ask for a happy heart,  
an honest heart, a pure heart.

_A pure heart full of goodness_

_Is fairer than the pretty lily,_

_None but a pure heart can sing,_

_Sing in the day, sing in the night.  
_

If I wished for worldly wealth,  
It would swiftly go to seed;  
The riches of a virtuous, pure heart  
Will bear eternal profit.

(_Chorus_)

Evening and morning, my wish  
Rising to heaven on the wing of song  
To God, for the sake of my Saviour,  
Give me a pure heart.

(_Chorus_)


End file.
